HOUSTON – A conversation ends, a relationship feels off or the same emotional pattern shows up again—and you’re left wondering: why does this keep happening to me?
For some people, it doesn’t feel like just one isolated experience. It feels like something repeats—across friendships, family relationships, or romantic connections—no matter how much they try to do things differently.
During Mental Health Awareness Month, psychotherapist and connection expert Jenn Pinkerton encourages people to meet that experience with curiosity, not self-blame.
She says many of the reactions we have in relationships aren’t just about what’s happening in the moment—they’re often shaped by past experiences and the emotional patterns we’ve learned along the way.
Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” Pinkerton encourages asking, “What might this be connected to?”
She also encourages people to separate the “truth” of what’s happening in their relationships from the “story” they’ve learned to believe about themselves because of past experiences.
Why some relationships feel so familiar—and are they healthy
What feels like chemistry or instant connection can sometimes be your body recognizing something familiar—not necessarily something healthy or supportive.
Those signs can show up in subtle ways:
- Overthinking conversations after they happen
- Avoiding conflict even when something doesn’t feel right
- Feeling anxious in relationships that look fine on the surface
- Mistaking intensity for closeness or connection
These patterns don’t mean something is “wrong” with you. They often mean your system has learned how to adapt—and is still following those familiar emotional cues.
The stories we keep telling ourselves
One of the biggest patterns Pinkerton sees is the internal story people carry about themselves—often shaped by past emotional experiences.
You might say things like:
- “I’m too much.”
- “I’m not enough.”
- “People always leave.”
- “I can’t trust anyone.”
Without realizing it, those stories can influence who you choose, how you communicate, and what you tolerate.
Over time, they can start to feel like the truth.
How to start changing your narrative
If you’ve ever found yourself repeating the same emotional cycles in relationships, you’re not alone—and change doesn’t have to start with something big.
Pinkerton encourages small moments of awareness:
- Pause before reacting. Take a moment to notice what you’re feeling before responding automatically.
- Reframe the question. Instead of asking, “Why am I like this?” try: “What might this reaction be connected to?”
- Pay attention to your body. Your physical response—tightness, calm, anxiety, ease—often signals more than your thoughts do.
These small shifts can help create space between what you’ve learned in the past and how you want to show up now.
What healthy change can look like
Change doesn’t always mean cutting people off or starting over completely.
Sometimes it looks like:
- Keeping to short responses. For example, say “I’m not available this weekend,” or “That doesn’t work for me.”
- Setting clearer emotional boundaries
- Paying attention to who feels safe and consistent
- Remember “No” is a complete sentence and it’s ok to say it.
Pinkerton says it’s also important to recognize this truth: you can care about someone and still realize the relationship isn’t healthy for you. Both things can exist at the same time.
And while ending relationships can sometimes be part of growth, she emphasizes that awareness—not urgency—is where change begins.
The goal isn’t to judge your past or your choices, but to understand them well enough to begin making different ones moving forward.
Because sometimes, the most important relationship to understand… is the one you have with yourself.
For more advice from Jenn Pinkerton, visit her website, jennpinkerton.com.