Key Takeaways for Families
- ✅ Parents: Regulate yourself first before talking to your child
- ✅ Ask what they know before adding new information
- ✅ Keep communication open -- make it clear they can always come to you
- ✅ Watch for two weeks of behavior changes as a signal to seek help
- ✅ Teachers: be honest about your own feelings with students
- ✅ Students: lean on friends, but bring in a trusted adult too
Start with yourself, parents
HOUSTON – Before you sit down with your child, Jiles says the most important thing a parent can do is regulate their own emotions first.
“Your baby is in a school where you presume that they are safe and something like this happens,” Jiles said. “You want to be regulated first -- tapping into your community to make sure you’re leveled before you enter into conversations with your child.”
That means leaning on your own support system, like a friend, a partner, a counselor, before bringing the conversation home. “Their ability to regulate is largely contingent upon the parent or the guardian,” Jiles said.
How to start the conversation
Once you’re grounded, Jiles recommends a simple but powerful approach: ask questions.
Find out what your child already knows. Ask open-ended questions about what they’ve heard, then correct misinformation or gently fill in gaps.
Most importantly, keep the door open.
“We really want to make sure that we’re leaving a door open for them to always have constant communication,” Jiles said, “so that they can provide updates as need be — because remember, we are the ones regulating the children.”
Warning signs to watch for
Not every child will come to you with their fears. Jiles says parents need to know their child’s baseline behavior, and watch for changes that last.
“All of our kids are wired differently,” he said. “Is my kid a more shy kid? Are they expressive or not? And when do those things begin to change?”
His rule of thumb: if something seems off for two weeks, it’s time to act. That could mean a visit to your child’s pediatrician, who can point you toward the right resources, or connecting with a community mental health agency that works with children.
“What’s more important is a parent’s presence in a child’s life and knowing when their child’s behavior is off,and then getting help from there,” Jiles said.
A message for teachers and school staff
Educators are not just bystanders to this trauma, they are living it too. Jiles says school staff should give themselves permission to be honest about how they feel.
“That is a scary situation, to go into a building not knowing whether you may come out alive or not,” he said.
He encourages teachers to acknowledge the reality in the classroom, not by turning every lesson into a therapy session, but by being human.
“Acknowledging that ‘I too am scared’, or ‘I too wish this wasn’t a reality,’ and then providing space for the kids to express how they need to,” Jiles said. “The teachers are people. Administration are people. And it’s a very scary situation.”
Acknowledgement might look like a moment of silence, briefly stepping out to collect yourself, or simply telling students: I’m feeling this too.
Advice for students leaning on each other
It’s natural for teens to turn to friends before adults when processing something scary. Jiles says that’s okay -- with one important addition.
“If you have trusted friends that you want to speak to, definitely do that,” he said. “But I would encourage kids to also bring in a trusted adult.”
The reason: without guidance, well-meaning friends can accidentally spread misinformation or reinforce harmful ideas. His suggestion is for a group of friends to collectively identify one trusted adult they can bring into the conversation.
“We want to make sure we’re doing this the right way — and that we are not coming up with ideas that would actually be harmful to us going forward,” Jiles said.
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