"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year." - Victor Borge"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant... We start drinking early and while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven." - W.C. Fields"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." - Joan Rivers"Christmas is the time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell government what they want and their kids pay for it." Richard Lamm"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." - Jay Leno"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." - Phyllis Diller"Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April 15 of the next year." - P. J. O'Rourke"Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? .......You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?" - Tom Armstrong, American cartoonist"Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas." - Kin Hubbard"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included." - Bernard ManningSanta is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. - Dennis Miller"Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors." Steven Wright"Even before Christmas has said Hello, it's saying ''Buy Buy'' - Robert Paul"That's the true spirit of Christmas -- people being helped by people other than me." - Jerry Seinfeld"Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log." - Ellen DeGeneresClark: "Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?" Eddie: "Naw, I'm doing just fine." Christmas Vacation"What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claus-trophobic." Anonymous"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church......the Jews called it Hanukkah and went to synagogue ......the atheists went to parties and drank......people passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'" - Dave Barry"The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other." - Johnny Carson"You know you're getting old when Santa starts looking younger." - Robert Paul"Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present." Anonymous"Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time." - Doug Coupland"About all you can do is dream of a white Christmas, for it seems like it always leaves most of us in the red." - Anonymous"No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas." - Robert Kirby"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." - Dave Barry"One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." - Andy Rooney"Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money." - Author Unknown"Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit." - Anonymous"One of the nice things about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with a present" - Anonymous"Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, he must be a pacifist......And what's in that pipe that he's smoking?" - Arlo Guthrie"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas." - Johnny Carson"Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet." Anonymous"Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip." Gary Allen"Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money." -Author Unknown"People really act weird at Christmas time! What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat nuts and sweets out of your socks?" Anonymous"Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included." - Author Unknown"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together." - Garrison Keillor"Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall." - Larry Wilde"Even as an adult, I find it difficult to sleep on Christmas Eve. Yuletide excitement is a potent caffeine, no matter your age." - Carrie Latet
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year." - Victor Borge