Celebrity Apprentice episode 2

Sunday night marked the second episode of Celebrity Apprentice, and, as expected, we got our fill of whining, self-congratulating, back-stabbing, crying, and most satisfyingly, some firing. It's bizarre. Once you see the way these people behave on this program, it's hard to imagine them ever having been successful individuals in the business world… I mean, can you imagine Victoria Gotti, the Daughter of the Mob, most Badass Chick of All Badass Chicks, crying because someone hurt her feelings?!? Well folks, it happened. It happened big time.

The task this week was for both teams to create a crowd-pleasing performance at Medieval Times in New Jersey that would be judged by an audience vote. Now, I'm not sure how many of you have actually been to Medieval Times in New Jersey, but I have. To make a long, painful story short, my father and I were stranded in Newark after a flight was canceled and needed entertainment that didn't involve watching people get mugged on the street. So we entered "nearby entertainment" into our handy-dandy GPS and lo and behold, the ONLY thing that came up was Medieval Times. As we made our way down the deserted roads toward the neon lights, we had the sneaking suspicion all was not right…

But you're not here to read about the wild and crazy escapades of Dena and David Propis in Newark! Let's get back to the show.

Lisa Lampanelli was elected project manager for the women and Penn Jillette was elected for the men. I shall dub this episode, Battle of the Extremely Loud and Incredibly Tall People (You see what I did there? No? Go to the movies.).

The performances panned out thusly: the women decided to make a spoof on The Real Housewives of New Jersey because, hey, they had one! And the men stuck a little truer to the whole Medieval Times thing and had The Hulk and Mr. Mustache joust for the affections of Dee Snider from Twisted Sister in drag…

Just your average night at Medieval Times.

To make a long, painful episode short, the women were catty and fought with one another, throwing each other (but mostly Victoria Gotti WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE THINKING DON'T YOU KNOW SHE'LL HAVE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY KILLED?!) under the bus whenever possible, and the men had a jolly good time until Dee Snider tragically broke his finger. But don't worry! He martyred it out and the show still went on.

I've also decided this show is to celebrities what Doggy Heaven is to childhood pets.

James Lipton guest starred on this episode, to give a few words of wisdom to the celebrities. He lauded Lisa Lampanelli's enthusiasm, saying, "One of the most important words in the English language, which we try to instill in our students at the Actor's Studio Drama School, of which I am the founding dean… is P-A-S-S-I-O-N." (Psst, Aubrey, that spells passion.) Neato, James Lipton. Neat. O.

And here are the results of the episode: Winner: Penn Jillette. Fired: Victoria Gotti (INSANITY).

I guess I called this whole season wrong…

All in all, a fairly mediocre episode for a fairly mediocre show.

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