Hands off! Movies that can never be remade
There are some movies that are so classic that anyone who dared to try to remake them would be pelted relentlessly with rotten tomatoes. You don't repaint the Mona Lisa. You don't rebuild the Eiffel Tower. And you don't remake a movie that was practically perfect to begin with.
Unfortunately, a whole slew of Hollywood directors have ignored this decree and have remade such untouchables as "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory," "Psycho" and "Planet of the Apes."
All of these remakes have been significantly worse than the original masterpieces from which they were taken. What giant egos some filmmakers must have to think they could make a better copy than the "real thing."
While we cannot erase the damage that has already been done, we can all stand strong and demand that if any of the following five movies becomes the victim of a remake, we will boycott the film company for life. (OK, maybe that's a little extreme, but you get the point.)
No. 5: Gone With The Wind (1939)
Any filmmaker who would even attempt to remake this popular classic would watch his career go up in flames faster than the city of Atlanta.
No one could be Scarlett O'Hara but Vivien Leigh, and no one could be Rhett Butler except Clark Gable. These actors did not just play these characters -- they ARE these characters.
Yes, the movie may be a bit too long, and a little heavy on the cheese for some people's tastes, but everything about this film screams "untouchable classic."
Rhett might not "give a damn" if he ever sees Scarlett again, but "Gone with the Wind" fans will give more than a damn if anyone tries to mess with this masterpiece.
Of course, while some movies are just too exceptional to remake, others are just too bizarre ...
No. 4: The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)
A sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania, doesn't just come along every day.
"The Rocky Horror Picture Show" is so outrageously bizarre and so bizarrely outrageous, that attempting to remake it would be like Brad Pitt jumping up and down on Oprah's couch yelling about how much he loves Angelina -- some moments just cannot be duplicated.
Besides that, there is absolutely no way that anyone can make this movie better than it already is. From the insane plot, to the incredible soundtrack, to the unforgettable image of a young Susan Sarandon running around in her bra and panties, the original is a gem so rare that it must -- and we emphasize "MUST" -- remain untainted by the modern commercial machine that is Hollywood.
Otherwise, we will sick the "star" of this next film after them ...
No. 3: Jaws (1975)
Trying to remake this movie would be biting off more than even Jaws himself could chew. Granted, the special effects might be more sophisticated in a remake, but the sheer genius of the original would swallow any attempted recreation whole.
This movie has prevented millions of people from swimming in the ocean for the rest of their lives -- that is how scary it is!
No amount of CGI special effects could ever have the type of impact on audiences that the original "Jaws" had, and continues to have.
So a word of warning to any movie company thinking about remaking this terror-filled work of art: Stop thinking about it!
If you don't, you might just end up in a predicament similar to the main character in our next choice of "remake taboo" ...
No. 2: The Exorcist (1973)
What could be more terrifying than a little girl possessed by a demon spirit, speaking in tongues, spinning her head completely around and levitating above her bed while her eyes are rolled up in the back of her head?
Apparently nothing. Because no film before or since "The Exorcist" has reached the level of sheer horror that movie was able to achieve. Many have tried, and many have failed.
So it would not be surprising if Hollywood bigwigs decided one day that if they can't make a scarier film than "The Exorcist," maybe they should just remake the original. Well, it didn't work with "The Omen" and it wouldn't work with "The Exorcist" either.
Pazuzu would be rolling over in his hell fire at the mere thought of an Exorcist remake. There is only one movie more untouchable than this one, though, and that is ...
No. 1: The Wizard Of Oz (1939)
Arguably the most loved and respected film ever made, "The Wizard of Oz" is as entertaining today as it was in 1939. Trying to recapture the magic of Oz would be as futile as trying to outrun the wind (unless, of course, you are Mark Walberg in "The Happening.") While James Franco and Mila Kunis flirted with a remake in "Oz the Great and Powerful," they stayed away from the original script.
It is a very rare occurrence when everything about a movie clicks together in perfect synchronicity. But in "The Wizard of Oz," that is exactly what happened.
That kind of magic could never be recreated; and anyone who would have a head big enough to think they could make a version better than the original wouldn't be able to fit inside the studio anyway.
There's no place like home, and there's no place for a remake of one of the greatest films ever created.
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