HOUSTON – 16 celebrities, 13 episodes, and countless googles of "who is this person and why are they considered famous?" later, we have reached the finale of this season of The Celebrity Apprentice. And what kind of finale would it be if it weren't chock-full of ego-boosting Trumptastic moments, starting with a high-speed racecar drive through a completely shut down New York City, courtesy of Mario Andretti? A sensible one, that's what.
So this final episode was like a show within a show- we have a live studio audience hanging out with Trump and Co, while they watch the final moments of last week's episode on a big screen. Speaking of those final moments…
We last left Team Arsenio in a panic in the editing room, where it appeared that Adam Carolla's crackpot team of cameramen had shot Magic Johnson's portion of the PSA from the wrong angle. By which I mean they shot the side of his face while he spoke into the abyss. And just when we thought all was lost… the other film came in and lo and behold, we have usable footage of Magic Johnson! Hooray! All is well in the land of Arsenio.
Back in Clay's neck of the woods, things are going well, except for that damn mural. He finally approves the thing, but now it might not get painted/dry in time, so every single person is working on it. Clay is wearing a trash bag for Christ's sake. And he's SWEATING. But, as things tend to in Hollywood, everything worked out fine and the carnival themed party was under way. And I think Aubrey even dressed up for the occasion! Every carnival needs a sideshow freak, right?
Cut back to the live stuff happening with Trump and past contestants. Here's an update: Victoria Gotti is still terrifying. And EVERYONE is taking an unapologetic crap on both Lisa Lampanelli and Aubrey O'Day. It would appear that if you were a woman on this season, the two of them deeply and scarringly offended you in some way. And then we had George Takei. God love him. He WILL say his piece, and he will NOT be cut off by anyone, especially Donald Trump.
Back to the parties. Both Teams Arsenio and Clay are on the streets, whoring themselves out for money. Or at least that's what it looks like from where I'm sitting. You have Lisa Lampanelli waving money in the air and screaming out different amounts, while Clay is touching people's arms and asking who has the most to offer. It was just weird. So after everyone's inside, the curtain that divided both parties comes down in a big, dramatic pulling of a drawstring. As Clay put it, "It was like the Berlin Wall had fallen between our parties." Clay Aiken. So political. So cultured.
Back to the live studio, where we get a chance to speak with the Demon Duo, Lisa and Aubrey, in the flesh. Also, Aubrey as a blonde is much better than Aubrey as a "natural" fire-headed monster. But she still looks horrific. I don't think there's anything she can really do about that at this point—you can't just "undo" that amount of plastic surgery. But Lisa did deliver my favorite line of the night in justification of her behavior on the show, delivered after a convenient and horribly embarrassing video montage: "Never invite a 50 year old menopausal bi-atch on the show! At this point I need more hormone treatment than Chaz Bono! Help me!" You can't say the lady isn't an equal opportunity offender, putting herself in the line of fire just as easily as anyone else. On to Adam Carolla, who kept it super real about everyone's not so secret hope of a career resurrection as a result of the show, followed by this gem between Adam, Trump and Teresa Giudice:
Trump (to Teresa): "Do you feel like you're naïve?"
Adam Carolla: "She thinks that's a brand of douche."
This is why I love this man.
Back to the parties, where Arsenio and Clay show their PSA's which were… pretty standard. I definitely preferred Arsenio's because there was at least some entertainment value to it, and Clay's was just so predictable and boring. But whatever. It's a PSA. For the actual entertainment part of the challenge, Team Comedy was doing alright—Adam Carolla was a bit stale, Paul Sr. ragged on Adam Carolla, Lisa was inflammatory, etc. But I thought Arsenio was actually…. Funny! Sure he played the "I'll insult my own race card," but when done correctly, is always entertaining. Well done sir. For Clay's act, Penn and Teller did some magic, Debbie Gibson sang… wait Debbie Gibson is the least famous. I have never heard this song in my life. Stop pretending like your career was anything besides mediocre and short-lived. But then Dee Snider came on and sang the hell out of that one song Twisted Sister is famous for! You know that one—"We're Not Gonna Take It"—it's the theme of basically any kids movie where the children revolt against the tyrannical adult figures. Anyway, the dude sounds pretty much exactly like he did all those decades ago. Then we had Aubrey doing something almost resembling singing but would probably be more accurately described as out of breath speaking to a tune.
In the final boardroom, we got the totals for the amounts raised per team:
Team Arsenio raised $167,100.
Team Clay raised $301,500. Well damn. So we now know that the Claymates are a bit more reliable than any of Arsenio Hall's friends. Good information to have.
Before the winner is announced, we have a little duet between Clay and Arsenio—I'm sorry, when did Arsenio Hall become a singer? Oh wait. He didn't. This is just awkward. But when you have an awkward performance situation and need a way out, there's only one answer: a gospel choir. But if you're a real genius, then you take it a step further and make it a KIDS gospel choir. Way to save the day, kiddos.
Then both Clay and Arsenio have one final chance to sell themselves to Trump—I mean make their final pleas for the title of Celebrity Apprentice. Arsenio does a better job of this. Clay just sounds bitter and whiney. No, we don't care that you got second place on American Idol. NO ONE CARES, CLAY.
And now, for the winner of this season of The Celebrity Apprentice: ARSENIO HALL! CONFETTI! FANFARE! POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE!
And that's all she wrote! Join us next season (because as long as there are washed up D-list celebrities, there will be a Celebrity Apprentice) right here on the KRPC Prime Blog!
Thanks for reading, and as always, thanks for watching KPRC Local 2!