HOUSTON - Well, she's tried to do it every week, and I gotta hand it to her, she really made it happen. From her finger-staining-fake red hair, to those terrifying laser beams she calls eyes, to the less physical but no less obnoxious characteristics, like her shameless self-promotion, her clear annunciation of made-up words and that to-the-camera backstabbery of Debbie Gibson we've come to know and love so well, it was simply time. Let it be known that on Sunday, March 25, 2012, Aubrey O'Day finally got her moment in the sun on an episode of The Celebrity Apprentice I will lovingly entitle, "The Day of Aubrey," with some very memorable guest appearances by Clay Aiken.
But first, some logistics.
Each team's task this week was to throw a launch party for one of Crystal Light's two new "mocktail" flavors, Pomtini and Peach Bellini. The project managers for this challenge were Clay Aiken for the men and yes, you guessed it, Miss Aubrey O'Day herself for the ladies. The women opted for the Pomtini and the men had the Peach Bellini, since, you know, Clay's family grows peaches down in Georgia, thus making him an expert on all things peach related. Clay had some feelings on going up against Madame O'Day on this particular challenge and shared them with the camera, thus winning a place in my heart for all eternity. The following is a direct quote from Clay Aiken that NBC was kind enough not to edit out:
"Aubrey has an advantage because Aubrey is a clubber. Just look at that hair. Aubrey popped right outta her mama's chotch (giggle giggle) and started grabbing onto the stripper pole."
- Clay Aiken
I kid you not, people. This aired on national television. And I could not have been more grateful. Also, Clay Aiken's giggle is simultaneously adorable and terrifying, much like that neighbor's child you suspect might be the anti-Christ… but that's a path down which we really mustn't stray. She might hear us.
Aubrey, in true slore fashion, chose yet another sexually inspired theme (something like "temptation," "forbidden fruit," "deepest desire…" because she's the hot/pretty one, remember?!) for her launch party, while Clay went with "Life's a Peach/Beach!" for his theme. The parties were fine, blah blah blah, although I must say, Lisa Lampanelli has really ratcheted up the camp-counselor-from-hell thing and taken it to a whole new level. She's big. She's mean. AND SHE WAS AN EDITOR FOR ROLLING STONE MAGAZINE FOR PETE'S SAKE.
But the Aubrey Show really hit its stride in the boardroom. Aubrey came in, confident as can be because, hey, she was the project manager, and as the brains behind the women's team, how could they lose?!?!??!?!?! How indeed. After much industrial foreplay from D Trump, it was revealed that the men won and the women lost the challenge.
Commence water work extravaganzaaaaa.
Aubrey did not stop crying throughout the rest of the episode, which is a feat considering the weight of those fake eyelashes (another point to Clay for calling that out!). At one point, King Trump threw $10,000 at Aubrey's charity just to get her to shut the hell up. This set Lisa Lampanelli crying (SO MANY MASCARA-LADEN TEARS.) which was awkward and disconcerting because I thought the woman was supposed to be made of grit and sarcasm, not cotton candy and feelings. Aubrey was crying so hard that her face matched the color of her hair and for a brief moment I thought she might spontaneously combust. Unfortunately, she did not. Aubrey ended up bringing Dayana Mendoza (pretty girl just CANNOT catch a break with all these bitter, old hags) and Patricia Velasquez back to the boardroom to face elimination, and once again, despite the evidence from the team and from past challenges and really any and all logic, Trump took the game into his own hands and fired Patricia. This show is really just an elaborate way for Donald Trump to assert his authority over people who were maybe famous once, and also serves as a lesson to his demon spawn on how to utterly disregard anyone else's thoughts or opinions and be a TRUMP.
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