Welcome back! Well, we have a new show on the docket, Celebrity Apprentice, which premiered this past Sunday night. There are few things more rewarding in life than watching erstwhile celebrities make utter fools of themselves on national television. Makes you feel just a bit better about your own life as a relative nobody, am I right?
As with every new season of any celebrity reality show, the fifth season of Celebrity Apprentice promises to be the BIGGEST, most INTENSE, most SENSATIONAL, most HORRENDOUSLY EMBARRASSING FOR THOSE INVOLVED yet! Wherever there are D-list actors trying to resurrect their careers, shows like Celebrity Apprentice will exist. So… I guess that means forever.
A quick word about how this show works: 18 “celebrities” compete in weekly challenges in the hopes of winning a disgustingly large sum of money for the charity of their choice, which they will add to whatever they can win throughout the course of the season. This show is literally all about the benjamins. Really. That’s it.
And as for this first episode, the “celebs” were split into two teams: men vs. women. The task was to create and sell signature sandwiches, and whichever team made the most money either by selling those sandwiches or getting epically large donations by other means would take their teams’ winnings as well as the winnings of the other team and donate all of it to the charity of his/her choice.
SPOILER ALERT: Winner: Paul Teutul, Sr. Fired: Cheryl Tiegs.
And with that, I introduce this season’s “star-studded” cast (in the order in which I believe they will be fired):
1. Cheryl Tiegs, the Has-Been Super Model
There isn’t much to say about darling Cheryl Tiegs because, as the first celebrity eliminated, she had the least amount of time in which to erase all remnants of her dignity. Therefore, she deserves the least amount of character space on this blog.
2. Debbie Gibson, the Most Washed Up Pop Star in the History of Pop Culture
If I hear the phrases “my gift,” “my talent,” or “pop legend” exit Debbie Gibson’s mouth in reference to herself one more time… I will be left with no choice but to start clubbing baby seals to death. I am putting her in the next exit slot because I don’t know if I can withstand much more than another week of her presence on my television screen, or in my life.
3. Michael Andretti, the Awesome Race Car Driver‘s dad
Marco Andretti, the Awesome Race Car Driver, suffered a personal tragedy that kept him from competing, but not to worry! Equally famous and perhaps even more successful race car driver father to the rescue! I have to admit I do not know much about the wondrous world of car racing, but I do know that Michael Andretti sports a seriously mean Gotti. I mean goatee. (You see what I did there? No? Keep reading.)
4. Tia Carrere, of Wayne’s World Fame
Who knew that Cassandra Wong from Wayne’s World (I AND II) won a Grammy?! I didn’t. Anywho, judging by the eagerness with which Tia Carrere threw herself under the bus in the Board Room this past week, I can’t see this Hawaiian hottie lasting more than a few episodes. That, and Donald Trump actually called her dumb to her face. Which was awesome.
5. Dee Snider, the Twisted Sister
This dude just creeps me out. His face creeps me out, his hair creeps me out. And more importantly, I don’t think he has the rich friends to sustain him in this competition of Who Knows Who, because, come on. Did anyone really like Twisted Sister?
6. Lou Ferrigno, the Incredible Hulk
I like Lou Ferrigno, especially since I saw I Love You, Man, so I have hopes that he’ll go further in this competition than other, lesser beings. But ultimately I can’t see him winning the whole shebang because, quite frankly, he is no longer the 275-pound-hulk-with-2%-body-fat he used to be. Now he’s a shrimpy 260 pounds with, I would venture, at least 10% body fat. The aging process can be so cruel.
7. Aubrey O’Day, the Bride of Frankenstein
You know, I watched the rise of Danity Kane (the, ahem, triple platinum pop group that is perhaps better known for flitting around P Diddy's crib in micro-mini skirts and platform heels) on Making the Band and always liked Aubrey for her sassy attitude, brassy belting and effortless beauty. Well you can go ahead and scratch effortless beauty off of that list because DAMN. She looks utterly terrifying. Those eyes. Those lips. That hair. There is more plastic in that poor girl’s face than in the entire body of Pamela Anderson. Too far? I didn’t think so.
8. Lisa Lampanelli, the Roaster
I like Lisa Lampanelli, but thus far she’s come off as pretty tame. I will continue to hope she pulls out the big guns and insults a contestant until he/she cries, thus asserting her dominance and defending her honor, because I think she could emerge as a leader if she retrieves her personality from wherever she has mistakenly left it.
9. Paul Teutul, Sr., the Mustachioed Motorcycle Maven (Ugh. Yes. Alliteration.)
Paul Senior from American Chopper came out very strong this week, raising over $300,000 all by his lonesome, thereby clinching the victory for his team. My fear is that he used up all his juice too early and won’t have much else to contribute throughout the rest of the season. But who knows? That man’s mustache is full of surprises.
10. Adam Carolla, the Professional Quipster of Celebrity Reality Television
I adore Adam Carolla, and I’ll tell you why. That man knows what a mockery he is making of himself and not only does he embrace it, he takes everyone else down with him. He says aloud what most people keep to themselves for fear of public condemnation, and I appreciate his candor and utter refusal to spare anyone. He is doing what I wish Lisa Lampanelli would do. Do I think he has any business sense or any kind of mega financiers that will take him to the top? No. Don’t be silly. But I’m hoping he can scoot by just long enough to entertain me and keep everyone else’s ego, including Donald Trump’s, in check.
11. Dayana Mendoza, the Hot Venezuelan (part I)
Now I’m not exactly sure why I’ve placed Dayana Mendoza this deep into the lineup, but there’s something about her… Maybe I’ve just gotten lost in her dazzling hazel/grey eyes… Or maybe it’s because I think she and Patricia Velasquez will form a Venezuelan alliance and take down as many North Americans as they can before their beautiful, perfectly-toned ship goes down as they yell “VIVA LA REVOLUCION!” Or maybe I really did just get lost in her dazzling hazel/grey eyes.
12. Arsenio Hall, the Big Gummed Comedian
Arsenio Hall, Arsenio Hall. You’re like a less funny, more ethnic version of Adam Carolla. But I think you’re desperate enough to stay in front of a television camera that you’ll do whatever it takes to stay in this competition.