I adore Adam Carolla, and I’ll tell you why. That man knows what a mockery he is making of himself and not only does he embrace it, he takes everyone else down with him. He says aloud what most people keep to themselves for fear of public condemnation, and I appreciate his candor and utter refusal to spare anyone. He is doing what I wish Lisa Lampanelli would do. Do I think he has any business sense or any kind of mega financiers that will take him to the top? No. Don’t be silly. But I’m hoping he can scoot by just long enough to entertain me and keep everyone else’s ego, including Donald Trump’s, in check.
11. Dayana Mendoza, the Hot Venezuelan (part I)
Now I’m not exactly sure why I’ve placed Dayana Mendoza this deep into the lineup, but there’s something about her… Maybe I’ve just gotten lost in her dazzling hazel/grey eyes… Or maybe it’s because I think she and Patricia Velasquez will form a Venezuelan alliance and take down as many North Americans as they can before their beautiful, perfectly-toned ship goes down as they yell “VIVA LA REVOLUCION!” Or maybe I really did just get lost in her dazzling hazel/grey eyes.
12. Arsenio Hall, the Big Gummed Comedian
Arsenio Hall, Arsenio Hall. You’re like a less funny, more ethnic version of Adam Carolla. But I think you’re desperate enough to stay in front of a television camera that you’ll do whatever it takes to stay in this competition.
13. Patricia Velasquez, the Hot Venezuelan (part II)
Did anyone see The Mummy or The Mummy Returns? Well I did. And she was terrifying in those movies. I’m a firm believer that actors can’t be that dissimilar from the parts they play in movies, so I’ma go ahead and say this vixen will be making it close to the end, whether it’s by sheer will power or dark magic.
14. George Takei, the Man Who Will Live Long and Prosper
I feel like George Takei embodies the “silent but deadly” kind of thing, being all mysterious and quiet… like a ninja. That man has staying power and I think he was underestimated in this first episode. Watch yourself, Mustache Man. Sulu is comin’ fo ya.
15. Penn Jillette, also known as Andre the Giant Who Does Magic
Penn Jillette takes this show very seriously. Which is, in itself, absolutely hysterical. I am putting him well within the top 5 because it’s only when you get this late in the game that it really hurts to lose, and I’m just feeling like he’s going to feel the sting of bitter defeat as soon as he can taste victory. And I’ll enjoy that moment.
16. Teresa Giudice, the Table-Flipping Housewife of New Jersey
I must confess, I didn’t watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey, but I have heard of Teresa Giudice, and I’m not going to lie, she scares me a little. Not as much as Victoria Gotti does, but enough for me to put her in the top 3. Also, she probably has one of the biggest fan bases of any “celebrity” on this season and I have to believe that will play a role in her success. Plus, New Jersey is like a hop, skip and a jump away from New York, so her fully-loaded cronies could make it up to the Big Apple relatively quickly should the need arise. All of these are logical reasons why this person could do well in this competition, but honestly, logic, reason, and deep thought processes will factor very little in the ultimate results of this show. So. There’s that.
17. Clay Aiken, the Professional Runner Up
You know who loves Clay Aiken? Tori Spelling (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtBxft_Cfz4). But you know else? A lot of America! Or at least they did once, back when American Idol was still popular and Steven Tyler hadn’t completely given in to his addiction to huffing glue. But the reason I’m putting Clay Aiken in the number 2 slot is because there is no greater motivator than the chip left on one’s shoulder by an almost victory. Well, that and a failing career. But yes. After watching him weasel money out of innocent, relatively poor New Yorkers in this past episode, I believe he is capable of much, MUCH more in order to rise from the ashes of his #2 American Idol finish and rise to Celebrity Apprentice stardom… whatever that means.
18. Victoria Gotti, the Mob Boss’s Daughter.
DO THE GOTTIS NOT SCARE THE BEJESUS OUT OF YOU?! Because they scare the bejesus out of me. And I think as much as everyone else jokes about it, they’re scared of Victoria Gotti, too. Except for Aubrey O’Day. Because she has botoxed her brain away and no one would miss her if she happened to disappear and wind up in a landfill somewhere. No celebrity will ever have the clout that someone who can have you killed has. So. I think she’ll win. Because I watched The Sopranos.
Here’s to a great season of watching the once powerful fall! And thanks for watching KPRC Local 2!