Tonight was all about the team of Cee-Lo’s Green. Say what you will about his fashion choices and delusions of grandeur, that dude knows what’s up. Even the weaker performances (cough ERIN MARTIN cough) had enough production value to compensate for some shady vocals, because if there’s one thing Cee-Lo Green does well, it’s put on a SHOW. Adam Levine’s team, on the other hand, was by and large incredibly disappointing. Even some of my early favorites, like Pip and Tony Lucca, gave lukewarm performances that couldn’t hold a candle to the force that is Team Cee-Lo.
Team Adam did have one shining ray of light in Mathai. She sang John Legend’s “Ordinary People,” and it. Was. Gorge. She has such an ease about her ya just can’t teach. She’s both aurally and visually pleasing, and doesn’t need a whole lot of hoopla and fireworks to make her stand out. She just stood there, in front of a microphone, with that big smile and bigger voice and just let it rip. I think she is Adam’s one hope of even maybe making it to the top 3, because everyone else was pretty unimpressive.
Team Cee-Lo, on the other hand, TURNED IT OUT. Where to even begin? Aside from what looked like painfully heavy rhinestones covering her eyes, I was totally into Cheesa’s performance of “Don’t Leave Me This Way,” disco fever and all. The song choice was spot on, her energy was electric and I have literally been doing that dance move where she sasses one way and then sasses the other back and forth in my mirror all over my house.
And as much as I’m about to laud almost every member of Team Cee-Lo, I have to talk about what a joke Erin Martin actually is. Now I think a lot of this is actually Cee-Lo’s fault, but she didn’t really even sing last night. She quickly spoke her way through The Bangles’ “Walk Like an Egyptian”, and basically just danced around in what I would imagine slutty Egyptians wore to the clubs back in the day. There was zero voice to be heard or impressed by, and I could not have been less into it.
But back to the Cee-Lo highlight reel. James Massone is really living this experience up and taking as many tween girls’ hearts with him as he can. I’m pretty sure he doused himself (and especially his guide mane) with pheromones before he got on stage, because his performance of Nora Jones’ “Don’t Know Why” was kitschy and dripping in boy-bandiness, but you know what? It worked. I am not a tween, and even I found it adorable.
But let’s really get to the stars of last night: Juliet Simms and Jamar Rogers. I was not Juliet’s biggest fan coming out of the battle rounds—she seemed egomaniacal and like someone who was on the Scream Train heading for Nodesville. But I have to hand it to her. There was some magic in her performance of The Police’s “Roxanne.” It was intense, but she wasn’t screaming. She owned the stage and seemed like she was perfectly in her element. She looked great and not like she was trying too hard to be a gritty rocker chick, which was exactly what she looked like during the battle rounds and it was off-putting. Her performance was definitely in my top three of the night. And then we have Jamar Rogers. If I’ve said it once I’ll say it again, I see this guy going all the way. He has this awesomeness about him (that is, when he’s not giving motivational speeches to his “not fans, but family.” I threw up in my mouth a little during that segment) and seems to ignite every song he touches. He has GREAT energy, can back up all that personality with a stellar vocal, and landed that epic last note like a champ.
If I had my druthers, I would eliminate 75% of Team Adam and only eliminate Erin Martin from Team Cee-Lo. That seems fair to me.
The Voice Results
Well, unfortunately, the producers of The Voice didn’t end up changing the rules for my beloved Team Cee-Lo, and two people got the ax. The top three America saved were Juliet Simms (a killer performance can make anyone forget how much they didn’t like you before!), Jamar Rogers (I mean. Duh.) and James Massone (because every 15-year-old girl with access to a phone or computer was blowing up the voting lines, I’m sure).
Cee-Lo ended up saving Cheesa after an EPIC last-chance performance that left me with goosebumps and a new love for the song “All by Myself.” I was sad to see Tony Vincent go, especially since his last-chance performance of “Sweet Dreams” was EXACTLY what he should have been doing from the start, but alas. And I say goodbye and good riddance to Erin Martin and her purposefully out of tune squeak variations.
From Team Adam, America saved Mathai (aka Adam’s Only Hope), Tony Lucca (who will hopefully redeem himself because I think he’s awesome) and Pip (who really just got lucky everyone else sucked so hard). Adam saved Katrina Parker because, quite honestly, Karla Davis and Kim Yarbrough seemed like they shouldn’t have made it past the battle rounds with those weak-ass attempts during their last-chance performances. Weak, weak, weak.
Who’s excited for next week’s episode of The Voice?! I know I am!
Well, these past few weeks on Smash have really picked up some steam, and now we’re cookin’ with gas! What up locomotive puns! But really, I think the show is really hitting its stride—the musical numbers are better integrated, the dialogue has come leaps and bounds from those first few episodes, and Katherine McPhee’s acting annoys me less and less! Not to mention my love for Christian Borle/Tom Levitt grows exponentially by the minute, until pretty soon I’m going to have his picture cut out in a heart-shape hanging in my locker as I sigh and wish he was my best friend.
The week’s episode, entitled “Understudy,” is all about the new star, Rebecca Duvall, or rather, how late she is. And guess who gets to be Marilyn’s understudy? No, not Ivy—remember that time she took one happy pill too many and lost it onstage, doing perhaps irreparable damage to her reputation and career? Psh. It’s, Karen, silly! On a side note, what’s kind of weird is that this episode was super hyped up as THE big debut of Uma Thurman… but she was only on screen for, what, 5 seconds? Lamezoids. But not to worry, the rest of the episode was not put to waste!
Frank Houston is not speaking to Julia, leaving her no choice but to steal her son’s cell phone and call him in a desperate attempt to… look desperate? And of all the things to keep from your gay bestie, it seems a strange choice that she didn’t tell Tom about Frank finding out about her affair and leaving until she publically broke down at a high school performance of the first show she and Tom wrote together… but that’s just me. I tell my gay bestie everything.
Speaking of Tom, his budding showmance with Sam the Super Straight Chorus Boy is fabulash, and I really don’t mind that Gay Republican Man has noticed and is upset about it. Oh, wait—you’re leaving, Gay Republican Man? Fine by me. You were nice to look at, but your inherent contradiction was exhausting me. Back to Tom. His performance in “Don’t Say Yes Until I Finish Talking” was, dare I say, GENIUS. That number is definitely up there with “I Never Met a Wolf Who Didn’t Love to Howl” and “Let Me Be Your Star.” Could I BE any more excited for the release of this soundtrack on May 1st? But seriously, I’ve gone back and watched that number thrice so far, and I highly recommend you do the same.
In Investor Land, Eileen and her new BFF Smoldering Rando Barkeep are raking in the dough as they take on a new investor, Randy Cobra. Basically, he’s an old rocker dude with a ton of cash to blow, so Eileen elegantly gives her other investors the finger and can now fund Bombshell without any annoying, naggy strings attached. Hoorah!
Ivy is up to something, cozying up to Karen and telling Derek to be nice to her—looks like someone’s trying to get back into good graces after she fell on her face and made a fool of herself on a Broadway stage… good luck, girl. Derek, on the other hand, might actually be falling into obsession with Karen. And previews for next week indicate that the big star isn’t quite what Derek was hoping for…
Check back next week to see how things go with the divine Uma Thurman and what new heights my obsession with Tom Levitt might reach!
Thanks for reading, and as always, thanks for watching KPRC Local 2!