The Celebrity Apprentice, Episode 8
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Now, where did we last leave our misguided celebrities? Ah yes. Arsenio had just lost his got-damn mind in front of Trump and spawn because he hated Aubrey so much and, even though they won, continued his tirade of hate outside the boardroom, as Aubrey not so mysteriously disappeared down the Elevator of Doom.
We pick up this week with a reminder of just how crazy Arsenio Hall actually went. He was throwing out some choice words that I daren’t repeat here on the KPRC Prime Blog, but needless to say even I think he may have crossed a line, and that’s saying something. Lisa Lampanelli just about called in the hounds AND every gun-toting feminist in the tri-state area while Paul Senior, who is now tied with Clay Aiken for my favorite contestant on The Celebrity Apprentice, hunkered down, crossed those enormous tree-trunk arms in front of his chest and watched things unfold. And it seems that Arsenio and Lisa aren’t the only ones who need to clean their mouths out with soap. Lou Ferrigno won’t be left out and is throwing f-bombs left and right. For shame, Incredible Hulk! Don’t stoop to their late-night-level.
But don’t worry everyone. Aubrey came back. It just wouldn’t be fair to all of her fans if she quit now, right?! She and Arsenio had a heart to heart and now they’re totes chillz. I mean, like, Aubrey doesn’t trust him or anything, but, like, at least they can totally still work together, like, for charity, ya know?
The task this week was for each team to create a 60-second commercial promoting the benefits of Entertainment.com—and for those of you who don’t know, that’s the online version of those coupon books you or your children sold for practically every single school fundraiser from 1990 to present. The project managers are Teresa Giudice for Team Unanimous and Dayana Mendoza for Team Forte. Dayana really stepped up and snatched that project manager spot. Because nobody puts Miss Universe in a corner.
Team Unanimous’s commercial basically went thusly: Paul Senior got dressed up like a “dweeb” (terminology courtesy of Ivanka Trump) and plays the role of Aubrey’s father, while Aubrey sexual innuendo-s it up in the next room with some rando. Paul barges in, catches them innocently using the Entertainment.com app on an iPad, and everyone laughs as Arsenio delivers the punch line. But, like, it was really gross and sexual. Supes uncomf. I squirmed a lot during that one minute.
Team Forte’s commercial uses real actors, has a real script, and really promotes the brand and the product effectively. Everyone works together splend—excuse me, Lou Ferrigno, if you wouldn’t mind scooting out of everyone’s way—splendidly, and the commercial seems to be a success with Dayana at the helm and Lisa and Penn shoveling the coal into the furnace below deck. Fab.
But then we’re off to the boardroom, which we can go ahead and refer to as the Lisa vs. Lou cage-match. You know, it’s interesting. In the earlier episodes, I criticized Lisa for being too tame, too mild-mannered. Where was the abusive, abrasive, she-devil I had come to know and love from all of those Comedy Central roasts? Well, she’s back baby. And she’s crazy. She and Lou really got into it, using and abusing their strengths and weaknesses. Lisa ramped up the filth factor. Lou blamed his deafness. And that’s just not cool. Ya can’t just throw around that disability card! Especially when you’ve made it explicitly clear that you don’t want to be treated differently because of it. But what really sunk his battleship was telling Trump the other team’s commercial looked better than his team’s commercial. Apparently, Mr. Constipated Babyface puts a very high premium on loyalty, and Mr. Hulk made a no-no f’sho.
I should also probably mention that Team Unanimous won this challenge, leaving us with this take-home message: SEX SELLS. SEX WINS. That is the only way I can understand Team Unanimous’ victory over Team Forte.
So, Team Forte, which now consists of only four people, has 75% of its members coming back to the boardroom to face Strumpcious. Penn got a free pass because he wasn’t at much of the commercial shoot… which one would think would qualify him more than Lisa for boardroom status since he didn’t contribute as much as she did in actual man/woman-hours… but whatever. D-Train’s decision was pretty much made the second Hulk jumped ship. Thus, the Incredible Hulk was fired.
And in case this whole scene wasn’t awkward enough, Lou’s parting words were, “Take it back. I don’t want to be fired.” HAVE SOME DIGNITY, MAN.
Thanks for reading, and as always, thank for watching KPRC Local 2!