HOUSTON -

As the numbers dwindle, so does my sanity, in this, the almost penultimate episode of this season’s Celebrity Apprentice.

The task this week was to create a 4-page print ad campaign to promote the CHI touch screen hair dryer, and deliver a presentation of the print ad, which could appear in Elle magazine, to the executives. The project managers for this task were Lisa Lampanelli for Team Forte and Teresa Giudice for Team Unanimous. In other words, this is the battle of whose whiny voice annoys me more. They both win.

I think one of the stars of this week’s challenge was Farouk Shami, the founder and chairman of Farouk Systems and the CHI line of products, who unabashedly hit on Aubrey O’Day (or maybe just Aubrey’s hair) throughout their consultation. It actually made me physically nauseous to watch. And I don’t know which was more offensive: how slimy and icky he was or how excited and hungry for attention she was. Either way, it was heinous. And I think Arsenio Hall got some catharsis from saying the following for all the world to hear: “You know, men take to Aubrey. If she weren’t such a [word that rhymes with witch], I’d be into Aubrey. But uh… we have a different relationship.” Yeah, Arsenio. You say it.

My other favorite moment of this episode was watching Lisa Lampanelli “negotiate” with Teresa Giudice. The two were sent as representatives of their teams to determine which team got which models for the CHI product photo shoot. Lisa went in not really wanting any particular model, and Teresa had a very specific four picked out. And Lisa straight up Jedi Mind Tricked the daylights out of Teresa, forcing her to take models she didn’t want and losing the ones she did. Watching Lisa and Teresa “negotiate” is like watching a bichon frise try to take a rib-eye steak out of the mouth of a rabid pitbull. Like taking candy from a baby. Or a New Jersey housewife. However you look at it, it was a magical moment in which I wasn’t annoyed by Lisa, but remembered why I liked her in the first place.

But back to Aubrey. So, since this is a hair product and Aubrey’s hair is naturally that horrifying shade of old lady in a bottle/Kool Aid, why shouldn’t she be the model in the photo shoot? She’s done modeling before, ok? Watching her model was kind of like watching that girl you didn’t like in school get fat and ugly years later—it’s mildly satisfying but mostly just kind of gross. But also a little funny. In a mean way. No one said the KPRC Prime Blog was a nice place.

In the boardroom, it was pretty clear that Team Unanimous, aka Arsenio and Aubrey, were going to throw Teresa straight in front of that on-coming bus. And even though I thought they had the better ad campaign visually, I guess the executives at CHI disagreed, and they picked Team Forte as the winning team, thereby giving Lisa Lampanelli $100,000 for her charity. Hooray. The rest of the boardroom was pretty predictable, and Teresa was ultimately fired.

End of the episode!

… BUT WAIT. THERE’S MOOOAH.

Trump tells the contestants they will each have an interview with the final two celebrities from last season’s Celebrity Apprentice, John Rich (of Big n’ Rich fame) and Marlee Matlin (who’s mostly famous for being feisty and deaf, but also acting), and the two of them would confer with Trump and eliminate two of the remaining four celebrities to make the final two. BUM BUM BUUUUUM!

During the interviews, a recurring theme was how disappointing each celeb’s fundraising total was so far along in the game. But the truth is, there haven’t been a ton of opportunities for the celebs to turn on their PR machines and bring in the ringers, other than the very first challenge. John and Marlee thought Aubrey was a bit “green,” only being 27, and often emotional. Both John and Marlee questioned Clay’s ability to lead as opposed to follow, and thought he might have been playing it safe throughout the competition. As for Arsenio, the word of choice was “charismatic,” and if there’s one thing that man can do, it’s charm the pants off of… well off of John Rich and Marlee Matlin. But from the word go, it became pretty clear that Lisa Lampanelli was not making a good impression on her interviewers. The terms “hostile” and “aggressive” and “emotionally out of control” were thrown about, and I can’t lie, I have to agree. That lady is CUH-RAZY. So when it came time to go back to the boardroom, it wasn’t too big of a shock to hear that the first person eliminated was none other than Miss Bad Mouth herself. Peace out, Lisa Lampanelli.

And it looks like we’ll have to wait until next week to find out who our top 2 are. Are you just crawling out of your skin with anticipation?! Because I’m not.

Thanks for reading, and as always, thanks for watching KPRC Local 2!