It's brutal. It's stressful. You're so busy taking care of others that you have no time for yourself.

These are the words that have typically been used to describe the "Sandwich Generation" -- people who have to take care of both their children and their parents.

Parenting the parent -- a common phrase used to describe what happens when parents depend on their children to care for them -- implies that parents have regressed back to childhood. It's perhaps the greatest insult you can pay an aging parent, according to Donna Addy, outreach manager for Classic Residence By Hyatt, a leading provider of independent living communities for older adults.

While the negative side of caring for elderly parents grabs headlines, many families are using their parent's twilight years to reconnect with mothers and fathers with whom they had lost touch, heal old wounds and forge relationships where none had existed.

"When I hear other people talking about their parents, I don't understand why taking care of them has become a burden," says Shari Ward, who considers it an honor to be her mother's primary caretaker. "I am very fortunate to have a mom, and it gives me pleasure to do for her what she has done for me over the years."

Susanne LaBarbera is also her mother's primary caretaker, a role she took on by default throughout the years.

"My mom had a long history of alcoholism," says LaBarbera, a 50-year-old married mother of two. "I became a caretaker at the age of 13. My dad taught me how to manage the checkbook, pay bills and care for my younger brother. Needless to say, my relationship with my mom was turbulent."

Despite this, LaBarbera accepted the role of primary caretaker when her mother was diagnosed with moderate stage Alzheimer's disease.

Her 78-year-old mother now lives in an assisted living facility, but still depends on her daughter for basic needs, such as going to doctor's appointments and some of the day-to-day tasks she can no longer do on her own, such as balancing a checkbook and dialing a phone.

Caring for her mom is a decision that has allowed LaBarbera to build a new relationship with her mom, who stopped drinking 17 years ago.

Planning For Parents

Tom Romano is an only child who was always close to his parents. When it became clear to him that his parents needed help to care for themselves, Romano and his wife, Pat, knew it was time to make a decision.

"As an only child, I always knew I'd have the sole responsibility of taking care of them as they got older," Romano says.

A year ago, after the birth of their son, the couple bought a larger house and the family moved in together.

"It's challenging, but it works," Romano says. "It's crucial for everyone, especially my parents, to have their privacy. It's important that they know it's their home, too. We didn't want them to feel like we were shoving them into a spare room in the house to alleviate our guilt."

Choosing Care

Being a primary caretaker doesn't always mean parents and adult children live together. There is a variety of choices when it comes to the level of care an elder parent needs.

Making the choice should be a team effort, one that involves the people most commonly forgotten, the parents themselves. Involving them in the process is the first step toward making it a positive experience for everyone involved.

"Older people don't respond well to change, and they don't want their independence taken away. Treat them with dignity. Do not treat them like children," LaBarbera says. "Educate yourself on all the options but consult your parents to make sure it's an option they want and will be happy with. You want peace of mind, but the only way you're going to get it is knowing they're happy."

"Everything is a work in progress," Ward says. "Communication makes it a positive experience," Ward says.

"No matter how much you have to care for them, your parents will always be your parents," Addy says. Recognizing that the roles of parent and child will never change is a key step in making the relationship work for a lifetime.

Support From Others

While these families all focus on the positive experiences of caring for their parents, they acknowledge that challenges do exist. When LaBarbera was first faced with the responsibility of caring for her mother, many of the old feelings and resentments she had as a child came to the surface.

"I began thinking of how I had to care for my mother and our family while I was growing up because of her drinking. Now I had to take care of her again. I was feeling very sad and angry, because I really never had a mother," LaBarbera says.

But time helped heal those wounds, and the rewards were worth the effort.

"Although caring for my mother is a big responsibility, I have such peace with myself that I have done the very best for her," LaBarbera says. "She always says she is very happy where she lives. This makes me happy, too. It took almost a year to get to this point, but it was worth all the work I put into it."

She also credits the support she gets from her husband and her children for helping her through the rough patches, something Romano wholeheartedly encourages others to seek.

"Don't be afraid to reach out to friends and family. It's when you try to be a care superhero that resentment builds. You don't have to do it alone," he says.

Romano notes that caring for his parents has had a positive effect on the entire family.

"My son is getting to know his grandparents, and our interaction with them is teaching him to respect people of all ages," he says.

LaBarbera agrees.

"My children, as young as they are, have learned what Alzheimer's disease is. They are learning what you have to do when a loved one is ill," she says.

"I have had the privilege of reliving many of the same things I experienced as a child, but with the eyes of a grown man who knows to never take them for granted because I don't know how much more time we have left together," Romano says. "It's a lesson I am teaching my son by example."

Sometimes it's the little things that mean the most, as Ward points out.

"My mom and I spend such quality time together, and she is so appreciative of everything I do. She mentions it to me, and I feel like a million bucks," Ward says. "When we venture out, I love how she holds me when she walks. I would not trade in my caring for her for anything in the world."