How veteran couples get through marital fights

HOUSTON – Whether its household duties, disciplining the kids, finances, or even the in-laws, most couples fight about something every now and then.

KPRC 2 News sat down with two Houston couples to find out what they fight about.

Sabrina and Trent Miskelly have been married 13 years and are the parents of two boys.

“Who does more? Who did this chore? Who took out the trash? Who got the baby in the middle of the night? Who did this?” said Sabrina Miskelly of the fights they had early during the marriage.

Terry and Sherry Randle have been married 21 years and have definitely seen the first years of marriage that were all about working through the kinks.

“Always spending habits. I was the splurger, she's the budgeter, so that always caused conflict,” says Terry when describing the early years and what he and Sherrie argued over.

Sabrina Miskelly said things leveled off after a decade. 

“Early on, we fought about pretty much everything, and after 10 years or so, it started to level itself out to where now, if something comes up, we talk about it and move on,” Sabrina Miskelly said.

Dr. Bob Wright said fighting can actually strengthen a marriage and lead to a healthy relationship.

“In order for us to great nourishing loving lives we have to be willing to encounter each other and that means conflict," Wright said. "If you don't fight you're not going to have a great relationship. Period."

But that's only if the couple learns to fight fair.

Wright's new book, "The Heart of the Fight." describes the 15 fights that will make or break a relationship. It'a a tool book to help couples take responsibility for making their marriages work.

“I'm not interested in saving marriages, Wright said. "I'm interested in making great marriages and having people read the book before they get married, and to understand that the job is much tougher than the people who tell you, 'Don't go to bed angry.' Look closely at their relationship and see if you want that."

In fact, Wright's advice on the old adage of never going to bed angry is completely opposite of what most married couples have been taught to believe.

“That is advice that is likely from people who will get divorced, because you can't honestly resolve all meaningful conflict right away,” Wright said.

Resolving a fight too quickly, according to Wright, can lead to deeper resentment down the road. He said it's OK to suspend the fight and get back to it later.

This tip resonates with Sabrina Miskelly. 

“If we stay up and argue, we will argue ourselves into a bigger argument than if we just stopped, let it rest and then woke up in the morning. It's generally not as big a deal as we originally thought it was,” she said.

Sharing 21 years of marriage have taught the Randles a thing or two about resolving fights.

“We’ve also gained a strategy where we tend to compartmentalize our spats," Terry Randle said. "We don't let it paint the entire day anymore. So if the morning starts off a little bit shaky, by lunch time we have to just drop it."

With nearly 35 years of marriage combined, the two couples have worked through many of the common fights that come along with marriage. But for those couples still working through bumps in the road, Wright suggests to keep fighting, but offered some tips: 

  • Take 50 percent of the blame. 
  • Take 100 percent responsibility for your own satisfaction.
  • Learn to accentuate the positive and learn that you are going to have fights. 

“If you're fully engaged, what better person to fight with if you know that marriage is about learning and growing?" Wright said.

Click here for a free chapter of Wright's book, and to take a quiz to find out your relationship style.