Dear Eddie and Alana,
I'm 27 years old, and my boyfriend and I have been together for two years. I have a 3-year-old Persian, male cat who dislikes my boyfriend very much. Every time my boyfriend is around, the cat hisses at him and paws him away.

We recently decided to move in together. It's been two weeks, and he complains about the cat daily. He doesn't like the way my cat sheds everywhere, he doesn't like the smell of the litter box, he doesn't want the cat on the furniture, etc.
I went out of town for Mother's Day, and my boyfriend told me that the cat marked his territory on his side of the bed. He has suggested that I get rid of my cat.
My boyfriend knows that I love my cat and will not get rid of him. My cat and I have lived in peace for years. My cat is very loyal and protective of me. I refuse to give my cat away. What should I do?

EDDIE SAYS:

I'll have to assume that since you've moved in together, you're thinking of getting married -- which means this isn't a conflict that you can just let fester.

I have a dog and two cats. I love my animals. But if I had to choose between the love of a pet and the love of a person, a relationship that could last 40 or 50 years, I don't think it would be that hard in the long term.

Yeah, your boyfriend should learn to cope with some fur and some stink. And he should have known that coming in. But urine on the bed... well, that's a good reason to get upset. If you can't train your cat to learn to accept your boyfriend, you might be best leaving it to someone else.

Before you go down that road, however, you might want to have a chat with your veterinarian. Perhaps there's something that can be done to calm your cat. It may even be that the stress of a new person in the house has exposed a medical condition that can be treated, improving your kitty's mood.

If the cat does have to go, and if your guy is smart, he'll give you some mourning time, then get you another cat to raise together.

ALANA SAYS:

I know this won't help, but isn't this a discussion you should have had before you decided to move in together?

I'm highly anti-indoor-pet. If I were to get into a relationship with a guy who had a pet, you'd better believe I'd mention pretty early on that I just don't want to live with an animal. At that point, there would be ample time for him to consider his options or for me to call it quits if I couldn't get used to Fluffy or Fido.

But here you two are, still struggling over this problematic kitty. If your guy isn't against pets, but just doesn't appreciate this particular feline's attitude toward him, take Eddie's advice. Maybe your current cat can live with a friend or family member, and you two can pick out a new kitty together.

But if he's completely anti-cat, then it's really up to the two of you. One of you has to bend -- meaning you give away the cat or he agrees to shut up about it. If that simply won't fly, check out our real estate section to help him find a new place to live.

Dear Double Take,
There is a single pastor at my church. I am not sure what he is communicating, and I don't want to assume anything.
When I see him, it's "Hi, Cathy" with a big smile and a wave. I don't think he's shy, although he won't look at me when we talk, but his cheeks are red and his hands are in his pockets jingling change. If I ignore him or walk past his office and he sees me, he shouts "Hi, Cathy."
When we shake hands at the end of the service, sometimes it's quick shake and other times he holds it for a few minutes. He asked if I was singing in the choir; he is now singing in the choir. In the past couple years, he sent me a birthday card -- and although he didn't this year, he said he would put it in my church box, but I never received it. He is quite busy, yet he decided to help with the youth even though I had lined up another guy to assist me.
The church started a young people's group -- up to age 30 -- and I told him I felt uncomfortable coming as I am older and I would just find a church group that had my age. Next thing I see in the newsletter is that the group includes my age. Go figure.
Can you help decipher him?

DOUBLE TAKE Do you disagree with Alana and Eddie's advice? Share Your Thoughts Life Files Archive

ALANA SAYS:

This is a tricky one. From any other guy, these overtures would certainly signal some type of interest. But you were smart not to assume anything: It's a pastor's job to take an interest in church members and offer his help whenever he can.

The fact that you've apparently known him a few years and he hasn't given you any more concrete signals probably means that he's just a really nice guy who genuinely likes you -- as a friend and parishoner. It's possible he's just getting up his nerve to make a more outward gesture, but don't hold your breath.

If you're not looking for a romantic relationship with this guy, good news: You're probably safe. But if you are, avoid making any moves that might scare him off. Instead, suggest other opportunities to spend time together and gauge his interest at that point.

EDDIE SAYS:

Since Alana's dealt with the soul of your question, I'll give you a few things to consider when figuring out the divine mystery of what you want.

Let's say something does happen, and you two cleave together. Be prepared for people in your congregation to wonder about it. Some will never think it's appropriate, others will wonder what was going on before it went public. Some may just be jealous they weren't the chosen one.

People will always have a close eye on your relationship. And if it someday ends, it could mean one of you (probably you) having to find a new place to worship.

Those aren't reasons not to go for it. If he's a good guy and he's interested as well, take the chance. Just be aware that there's a bit of additional pressure, a whole set of things to talk about when discussing your relationship.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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